There’s nothing like heading to the airport for an early morning flight with only five hours of sleep. In days gone past that wouldn’t have been because of a big night out. This time though, it was a combination of not focussing on the trip until the day before and trying to dry washing in the monotonous weather that seems to have become the Canberra norm. It was nice to have the sun up (only just) when we got in the cab for the airport. A painless check-in (with bags checked through to Joburg) except for the rogue aerosol deodorant Dan didn’t realise he had in his backpack until the security screening found it. Breakfast in the Qantas Club – and Dan’s satisfaction with the pancake machine) and we were on our way for the short (boring) hop to Sydney on a Dash 8. It did provide an opportunity to see a full Lake George for the first time in at least a decade or more.

Arrival at Sydney and transfer to the International lounge was smooth and since we had time in the Qantas Club in Canberra to pre-fill the passenger card, the process through the smart gates and security checking and we were in the lights and mirrors show that is the high end duty free area- a bit like David Jones, which is why I never shop there. We were on a mission though – to get out GST back on the fab new Bose noise cancelling headphones we had lashed out on. In comparison to the smooth flow of immigration – the GST back process was a cluster. There were signs to follow and strict rules but the queues were long and many of those in them didn’t understand the difference between manual receipts and the online process with a G code. Quite rightly the staff behind the counter got frustrated with a number of the customers. I was only there for 30 minutes and I was ready to scream at people trying to cut the line, arguing that their need to get their GST back was greater. While we were in the queue, this older man took a photo despite all the infographics around the room of a camera with a big red circle with a line through it – the universal symbol for not allowed. Apparently it is an $800 fine.

That drama aside – it was off to find a neck pillow for the plane (seeing as I left mine in the Qantas Lounge in Canberra). It took a while to navigate past the glitter of Tiffany and Burberry and find the tacky (yet still expensive) souvenir stores. While the neck pillows weren’t exorbitant, it was a trial to choose one that wasn’t culturally inappropriate nor identified me as a bogan. I eschewed the indigenous print, which I am pretty sure wouldn’t see any money provided to anyone vaguely indigenous. I also chose not to go with the patriotic green and gold with Australia on it (which wouldn’t look out of place on the Hill at the cricket), the I love Australia (which belongs in the back of the cupboard with other 80s relics like the Ken Done tea towels) or the Australian flag. That left me with one option, covered in stamps of popular Australian tourist destinations – with Melbourne as the only destination south of the Queensland border. (Transcending – Red Hot Chili Peppers – while not one of their best known tunes, this funky little jam showcases the Chili pepper’s musical and production genius and like many tracks of its time utilises speaker balance to great effect. Plus, it mixes their ballad brilliance with the harder edge I so enjoy)

I completely understand the attraction of grabbing a jar of vegemite and a pack of Tim Tams at the airport – both have a familiarity of home and both are something you crave when made to go without – but I have to say I have never been at the airport and thought ‘I might just grab a 1.2kg box of Weetbix (at three times the supermarket price) to lug around in my backpack. But apparently there must be a market for it.

We spent about an hour in a very crowded international business lounge, enough time for another coffee and (like the hobbits) a second breakfast. That’s really what long haul plane travel consists of – sitting, eating and watching crap on television. It’s like being a couch potato on a less comfortable couch with a much smaller screen. Eventually, we boarded our 747 for Johannesburg. And sat on the tarmac for another 20 minutes until we got a departure slot. My philosophy with seat selection is to sit at the back of the plane. The downsides are that it is a bit more of a hassle getting on and off the plane, it’s noisier because it’s behind the engines, and sometimes you only have the chicken option. We found a way to mitigate the noise problem by investing in some awesome Bose noise cancelling headphones and Qantas now let you preorder at least one of your meals on International flights which takes care of the wedding style catering dilemma. And really after a 14-hour flight, what does 10 more minutes getting off the plane matter? And there are added pluses – they fill planes from the front so if there are spare seats, they’ll more than likely be at the back. And there’s another bonus on the Qantas configured 747 – the last four or five rows near the windows go back to two seats as the plane tapers which has two bonuses – one, if there’s two of you travelling, you’re not locked in by a random stranger and b) there’s a space between the window seat and the side of the plane where you can put all your stuff.

(Cherub Rock – Smashing Pumpkins – one of my all-time favourite songs – it invokes winter and reminds me of group house living in the 90s. Simple but layered and pretty close to perfect. Nirvana may have the greater place in mainstream history but this featured much more heavily in my soundtrack.)

Far from the tasteless sandwiches I have called dinner on flights between Sydney and Canberra, the menu on Qantas International is quite delectable for something that needs to be reheated on a plane. Three choices for lunch and dinner. Dan and I preordered the slow braised beef cheek with red wine sauce, peas, carrots and garlic mash for lunch. It came with garlic bread and a rhubarb and apple trifle for dessert. Snacks included a Blackberry Weiss bar, Banana bread, gozleme, cheese and fruit.

The entertainment menu was also impressive – allowing us to finish watching season 1 of True detective and me to watch the new Star Trek movie and revisit old faves like The Newsroom, Ab Fab, Pulp Fiction and the most recent season of Game of Thrones. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch the remake of Point Break. Point Break has Keanu and Patrick Swayze. Period.

When we landed in Joburg, the sun was still up and hadn’t yet begun to set. It was a different story once we left. The plane was about half an hour late due to head winds and our exit into the terminal was fairly smooth. Until we got to the single escalator leading to immigration. I There were so many people at the bottom of the escalator no one could get off. We spent five minutes in the wrong lane to begin with and joined the right queue about the same time a huge influx of passengers hit the immigration hall. Eventually we got through. Collecting our bags was another matter. We found the carousel that had our flight’s bags but the carousel was turned off and no bags remained. After several minutes of looking around the arrivals hall, we eventually found the Qantas desk. And our bags. Fortunately, the driver our hosts had so helpfully arranged was still waiting with a sign with our names on it. Thankfully from there it was a comfortable half hour drive to the home of our hosts in Pretoria. Our quite chatty driver mentioned it was an area where lots of rich people lived and the security became immediately clear as we moved off the highway and into the streets of the suburbs. Street after street was lined with high walls and steel gates some topped with razor wire and other security devices. Most homes, including the one where we were staying, have bars on the windows and arrangements for armed security attendance if alarms are tripped. Others still have guards protecting them around the clock.

After a quick security briefing – keep your wits about you, be careful where you go and don’t engage with people who talk to you in the street and it was off to bed to sleep off the jetlag and greet the dawn of our first day in South Africa.